Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Day #9- ICU
Update from yesterday: Okay, so I was SO tired last night that I thought I could produce a coherent posting, but...ummm...yeah. I should have just deleted that one and started over today. AND, since I was just asked to step out of her room for about 30 minutes while they added a PICC line (an IV line what will go through her arm and up into the chest cavity somewhere), I figured what a prefect time to have an emotional breakdown (after all it has been a few days since my last one...) and then pick myself up and move forward. And it can all done with out my wife knowing anything different.
Her surgery went really well. I as really not anxious about it. I didn't want her to have more abscesses, but knew that it was best to get everything cleaned up pronto, but if that is what it takes to make her whole again, so be it. I know this is going to be a life altering event. I don't know to what extent this will affect our family, but I know it will forever change us. It is amazing how much you take for granted. I have always heard that said, but never really understood it until these last nine days. I also think, that unless you have an experience like this, you WON'T know just how much you take for granted. It really sucks (excuse my language) to have that hand of reality reach up and smack you across the face. On the flip-side, you don't realize how many people are there for you until a situation like this. It has been beyond humbling to have envelopes of money handed to me. I know that I need the help- we really have nothing, but I think about these families that are giving up so much for ME and my family. I think about the kids of their children, their lives, and I feel so guilty about taking the gifts. I know...I know...I know...take it graciously and say thank you. Again, if you have never been there, it is a lot easier to say than do. I tell my wife each time we are given a gift, and she shakes her head and tears run down her cheeks. She closes her eyes and I just hold her hand and cry with her. It is nice to be loved, and hard at the same time. I wish everyone could make her better, I wish I could do something to help her. I feel like I am so helpless sitting there, staring at her, wishing it was different...wishing I could so something useful. I stare at the pictures of our babies and try so hard to keep it all in. I miss them...I love them...and they are suffering because one man wouldn't take the time to listen to a woman who knew she wasn't well, who knew she was sick, and told her to deal with it and see him in two weeks...two weeks she would have been dead. I am SO ANGRY right now at him. How dare he? How dare he treat a patient- MY WIFE- like he did. How can you ignore someone who is asking...crying for help.
Then I realize that I am just as guilty in the sense that I should have taken these matters into my own hands. I should have done something earlier. And the worst part is...I think I wanted to wait a little because I knew we couldn't afford it...She said she was feeling better, but I could see she wasn't getting better. I hate myself for not doing something about it earlier. I also know I can't blame myself, at least not forever. So we pick up the pieces and we move on.
Well...that all just kind of poured out onto the page. Sorry about that.
Today has been an interesting adventure already and it is only 10:44am. I found her with a high fever still left over from last night. They are still doing Tylenol every 4 hours and a cold wash cloth on her head (something that I can actually help with). Dr. Lichti came in and spoke with me. Said everything was wonderful still, fever al little high, but planning on surgery tomorrow (most likely in the afternoon). They are going to do blood cultures and add a new course of a different antibiotic to see if there is an infection that isn't being taken care of.
Hopefully on Friday (her birthday) they will close her and put in her drains. 2-3 more days in ICU, and then moved to a regular room for up to 4 weeks, depending on how everything goes. We haven't found the road to recovery yet...more like we are on the grassy path NEXT to the Forrest trail that leads to the road. (loosely stolen from a friend's comment today).
My wife's parents will be here shortly after 5pm. Just as visiting hours end. So, we will have time to visit and catch up on stuff. A teacher from my school is stopping by for a brief visit as well. I have found that I love to have visitors and I love to be alone. That way I can be a happy person around the visitors, and have my quiet, private time to grieve, be emotional, and pull myself together.
I guess I should head back in now that it has been an hour and I have been out here having my weekly break down (maybe it is something to do with Tuesdays...) but all is going ok for now. Thanks for all the FB comments, prayers, thoughts, calls, texts, and other prayer friendly media.
More coming soon...
P.S. Here is her wall in her room. Thanks to the amazing ladies who made it possible (and all those who have sent cards and pictures to hang).